be happy always ^@^

i wonder why….happiness seems so far away…smiles seem to fade from deep within…nothing matters now…i felt so useless…so lazy…so bad~~

dont understand why its so hard to search back what was once burning in me…am i sick?? i wonder…

i think i gotta talk to someone…but what am i suppose to tell?? i am getting insane?? i am over-reacting?? i dont even know what exactly is wrong with me…can anybody tell me?? can anybody help me?? haha….yea…haha is the only appropriate expression here…to laugh it off and pretend nothing happens…dont be silly sze hua…u are pathetic…dont expect anything when you are not giving a damn about everything….

What?? We have to wake up so EARLY in the morning?? Huhu~~

Initially when I heard that we have to gather at 430am, I was actually trying to find excuses to not go and be a volunteer for this “run for the nation” program…haha…but I was able to conquer the Satan in me and hang on…

Slept for less than 3hours…woke up with a jerk and OH MY GOSH…its 420am already…gotta rush for it…thank god I was still among the early arrivers…PHEW~~

It was really refreshing waking up early and pray to god…by 530am our first runner team hit the road with high spirit ^^ (of course after taking some snap shot in church lo~)

With teams after teams arriving, we can see other church members actively taking part in this activity as well…the weather was good…but the last 2 teams had to endure the sun and traffic…bless them for being able to hold on till the end ^^

WOW~~ We actually received certificate for taking part in this activity…even though as a volunteer I am happy for being able to cheer and pray with them…it’s a chance for spiritual growth and also endurance training…I hope I could join them in the run next time..hehe ^^

Back to USM with a full stomach, I thank god for giving me a chance to realize that it feels so good to serve Him…even though the role we played were so tiny-as a driver, a rescue team, paramedics, or as someone who stayed back at church to cheer and pray for them…we are important in the eyes of God…amen?? Hehe…

Weird is that, I am so easily getting sick nowadays…is it because of the stress here?? Is it because I just want to run away?? Run away from lectures…from the loneliness of being here at Kelantan…or seriously, my body is telling me that its time to REALLY live a healthier lifestyle?? I wonder…

Anyway, I thank GOD for friends that care…friends that pray…friends that send me to clinic with the risk of getting infected ^^and so much more…

I am so left behind in studies and stuffs going on at usm here…I REALLY should hold on to something here to occupy myself and to prevent me from going home so often…sometimes the urge to run away and give up is so strong I couldn’t take it anymore…thank god I still sit down and read through YOUR words LORD…and know that YOU are always with me and nothing is impossible with YOU around…I really clung on to YOU and know that YOU are the only one who can guide me through these sufferings…

Lastly I just want to pray that my dad will one day realize that we love him and quit going there anymore…every week i ask and beg and do whatever I can to prevent him from going there…nothing really helps…I think I should drag him to church at home…haha…but it aint going to be easy…haiz~~

finally we are back on textbooks and lecture notes…everybody had quite a relaxing start to our 3rd year…no doubt the complaints often heard now is “how am i going to start my engine balik leh~~…”

isolating myself from others…hmm…before i knew it i am practising this like crazy…such a contradict…i know i hate loneliness…why is it so difficult to mix around now??? why arent there any problems last time?? why am i being so complicated…

often i found myself sitting in a corner, repeatingly asking why i have no friends?? why?? i guess its my fault also la…i have nothing to offer…i aint good in studies and i m such a bore…no wonder….no wonder…

hope depression wont come for me so fast…i dont think i will be able to deal with it now…haha…

your smile…even though looked kinda forceful…make me forgive you ^^

no matter how hideous the words you have used on me, i am thankful to god that i finally come to let it go ^^ i felt so much better and freed when i do so…guess nobody likes to be in hatred or anger too long…mentally tiring ^^

huhu~~ ppsp agm became so political…i hope this year will passed without any rusuhan kaum…scary…

conflicts….i simply dont understand why misunderstanding comes so easily…and hit so deep….i hate rumours…i think its ok to listen to them but spreading them and hurting other people…cant tolerate it…

sneering at people…looking down at people…hng…so you think you are so good huh?? ok then…do as you pleased ^^ i have no objection to it…no objection at all ^^

haiz…stupid brainless ppl…how can they do such things to us…this is just so unfair…when can they learn?? how can they be our future doctors?? irresponsible!!

its already terrible to be in the same group with a guy who cant stop complaining about everything…and never stop critisizing…will good words ever come out of his mouth?? frus~~ please la…just be nice once in awhile la…

we are a team…why cant we work as one?? why is it so difficult to attend meetings on time?? why cant you all complete the tasks given?? why is there endless excuses coming from your mouth?? why is there ignorance as though this doesnt concern you?? when will you wake up and realise that we have to pass cfcs to be able to sit for our pro exam?? why….aiks~~

yet…i still thank god for other team mates who are able to help out and do extra work…i really thank god for a responsible leader and willing to sacrifice teammates…even though we are doing extra thinking and work we learn more through these…i will appreciate this wonderful experience and remember it forever ^^

haha…it came true…session after session of physio is waiting for me…the 1st will start next sunday…neck traction…i wonder will i become a giraffe before all the pain goes off?? nah~~ i dont even think the pain will go off…hmm…

to get full cooperation in a group is never easy…late-comers, snake king and queen, non-stop chit-chatting, never willing to learn…the worst is finding volunteers to do anything…its really frustrating sometime to think that we are the only ones who work hard in this group…yet, we learn something in the end, didnt we?? thats enough already, aint it?? i just pray that whatever you all do, just be clear about what will be presented to the doctors before kena shoot teruk teruk…i beg you all please~~

i am almost done with my drama-boys over flower…those scenes…will only happen in our dreams or comics…money is like nothing to them…and how tall and how pretty can they get??? omg~~ so fairy tales…

i miss home…my black shoes ‘open imouth’ already…aiks~~ i want to go home~~

its tiring….discomforting….yet its something that i have to endure every month…cant stop myself from being moody…sometimes even depression…cry…this is so weak…SO WEAK~~

another sign of getting old has appeared…back pain…on and off…sometimes cant bend beyond 30 degree…what is wrong with me…and even my big toe is telling me “something is not right with my bone…” i just hope that those ortho specialists in USMKK will be able to find out the root of my problem and tackle it asap….no matter what it takes i will make myself stronger again…no matter what it takes…i can see session after session of physiotherapy ahead of me…hope its just my imagination…

numbness….am i imagining them or are they signs?? i wouldnt dare to think about it…nah…nothing ‘that bad’ is gonna happen to me…no way…

i am still very into dancing…i simply want to dance till i cant dance anymore…i miss those days where i strive to get my piroutte correct, my points to go further if possible, my focus to be even more precise, my movements to be more graceful than ever…i want people to know me on stage…I WANT TO DANCE!!! yet…studying medic simply doesnt allow it…doesnt…

didnt have a fantastic day today…thought my lunch outside would be great…yet it turned out to be…hmm…how to say…unpleasant…its ok…

i really really pray that my cervical problem will come to an end soon…i really cant stand it anymore…its so excrutiatingly painful omg…nothing…NOTHING can relieve the pain…and its getting worse…papa, papa…please let my doctor my prof knows whats wrong with me…amen~

Do everything without complaining or arguing (Philippians 2:14)

“…Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the Lord.” (Exodus 16:8)

Hmmm…do forgive me…for I have been fussing about so many things without realizing what had been given to me…what I am blessed with ^^

I thank god for sending more brothers and sisters to our church at KB…I hope everybody will get closer to each other and strive hard together to serve our Lord J

It had been a relaxing week…stress free…gave me a wonderful chance to cope with the fact that my holidays had ended by watching tons and tons of movies

Lastly I really really hope that our presentation for CFCS next week to our supervisor wont kena shoot teruk teruk la…so scared…plus not all pbl mates are cooperating…kinda worrying…hope at least get a conclusion and settle with our questionnaire…gambate ^^